How To Take A Break During An Argument
Fighting fair means knowing when to take a break during an argument. But taking a break when you’re in the middle of a fight can be tough. Like most marriage advice, taking a break during an argument is often easier said than done.
Many of the couples I see in my office tell me that taking a break doesn’t work. They’ve tried it before, and it only makes things worse. In many ways, these couples are right – taking a break doesn’t work for most couples. But, that’s because most couples have never learned how to take an effective break during an argument. Taking a break during an argument only works to curb a conflict if you follow the right steps.
Why Learning How to Take A Break Is Important
All couples fight, and it’s normal to feel frustrated with your partner at times. But, sometimes that frustration can escalate to anger and hurt. If you’ve ever lost your cool during an argument, you understand how hard it is to fight fair when you’re angry. Reclaiming your calm is key to managing conflict in any relationship, and taking a break is the most effective way to reclaim your calm when you’re angry, hurt, or upset.
When (and Why) Taking A Break Ofen Doesn’t Work
For many couples, taking a break during an argument doesn’t work because they wait until it’s too late. Most couples don’t consider taking a break until they’ve stopped fighting fair and started fighting mean. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, flooded, or seeing red, it’s really difficult to find the motivation to take a break. And, if you do take a break in that state, it’s hard not to storm out, shut down, or give your partner the silent treatment.
All of these tactics only make the fight worse.
How to Take A Better Break
To make taking a break effective, monitor your thoughts and feelings during your fights. If you’re starting to notice changes in your body, like your heart rate increasing or your breathing beginning to speed up, ask your partner for a break immediately. Don’t wait until you (or your partner) are about to explode to calm down.
6 Tips to Help You Take An Effective Break During an Argument
Taking a break when you’re upset is easier said than done, but it’s an important tool to have in your toolbox when you’re in a relationship. To practice taking a “better break,” keep the following tips in mind.
Tip #1: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Learn how to watch for the signs of distress in yourself and your partner, and consider taking a break before the fight gets too heated and either of you begin to feel overwhelmed.
Tip #2: Communicate with your partner. If you need a break during an argument, let your partner know. Don’t walk away without communicating your intentions. Use simple words and short sentences so you don’t get drawn back into the argument.
Tip #3: Make an agreement to check in. Set a time to check in and commit to continuing the conversation. Give yourself at least 30 minutes before checking in, and if you or your partner is still feeling overwhelmed after 30 minutes, consider extending the break.
Tip #4: Use your break to find your calm. Once you’ve communicated your intentions to your partner and committed to checking in, give yourself and your partner some space. Practice deep breathing, take a walk, or try a soothing activity to relax your body.
Tip #5: Reflect on your actions. Once you’re feeling calm, consider a different approach to the argument you’re having with your partner. Focus on understanding their perspective and reflect on the conversation in a new way. Ask yourself what you can do differently when you return to the conversation.
Tip #6: Return to the conversation when you’re ready. When both you and your partner feel calm, commit to returning to the conversation. Don’t leave difficult situations unresolved. That only leads to more conflict.
Taking a break is hard, If you and your partner struggle to fight fair, reach out. I’m happy to chat about how couples counseling can help.
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If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.
