How To Stop Stonewalling

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed when arguing with your partner that you just need to check out?

Does your partner ever get so quiet when you fight that you don’t even think they’re listening anymore?

If so, you’re not alone.  

Many of the couples I see in my office describe a pattern that happens when they argue.  As their conflict escalates, and their emotions get more intense, one half of the couple begins to shut down. They might turn away, avoid eye contact, try to change the subject, or simply get up and leave the room.  No matter what the other person says or does, this partner begins to withdraw.

This is called Stonewalling.

When one partner creates a “wall” between themselves and the person they love, this is called stonewalling.  The person who creates the “wall” closes or shuts down any opportunity for connection and compromise.  In effect, this partner is refusing to cooperate and engage in discussion.  And although this might momentarily end the fight, it does nothing to resolve the core conflict at the heart of the argument.  Worse, stonewalling can often escalate a conflict, causing the other person to respond to their partner’s stonewalling with increasing hostility.  

The couples I see often describe a pattern where one person begins to withdraw or stonewall, and the other partner gets even more angry in response.  To cope with their partner’s withdrawal, these partners escalate the argument, trying to draw the other person back in.  To do this, they might yell, criticize, or get personal.  Of course, this only causes the other partner to withdraw even more, and eventually, the argument ends when one person storms out or leaves the room. 

Stonewalling happens when one partner feels flooded.

Stonewalling happens when one half of the couple begins to feel flooded with intense emotions.  These emotions trigger a chain reaction in their body that generally includes a rush of stress chemicals, like cortisol, and these stress chemicals cause a physiological response.  Someone who is “flooded” might notice that their heart rate has increased, that their breathing has changed, or that they feel anxious or shaky.  A typical response to flooding is to try escape the cause of the stress.  When flooding happens during an argument, the person who is flooded might try to “escape” by withdrawing from the conversation.  

Over time, stonewalling can have a devastating impact on a relationship because it pushes partners away from each other, destroying trust and intimacy. 

The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing.

The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing, or learning how to calm yourself when you’re feeling flooded. Instead of turning away and withdrawing, the person who is flooded can learn how to practice self-soothing techniques, like deep breathing, to calm down. Once the person who is flooded feels better, they can tune back into the conversation and hear their partner out. 

Stop stonewalling with deep breathing. 

If you or your partner notices that you get flooded during conflict, try this “belly breathing” or diaphragmatic breathing exercise to restore your calm. 

First, place one hand on your belly, just below your ribs, and place the other hand on your chest.

Next, take a slow, deep breath. Breathe in slowly through your nose, and pay attention as your belly swells up under your hand.

Then, hold your breath for a count of one or two, and slowly exhale through your mouth. Pay attention as the hand on your belly goes in with the breath.

Breathing in and out slowly until you find a calming rhythm and you notice your body start to relax.  Once your body feels relaxed, come back to the conversation with a clear mind. 

If stonewalling is getting in the way of connecting with your partner, couples counseling can help.  Contact us today for a free consultation.

Interested in online couples counseling in Colorado?

If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.