How To Use Belly Breathing To Calm Conflict

Check out our most recent video on YouTube, “How to Use Belly Breathing to Calm Conflict.”

Disclaimer: The information contained in this blog/video should NOT be used as a substitute for the advice of an appropriately qualified and licensed therapist.  

I am a licensed therapist, but I am not necessarily YOUR therapist unless you’ve signed a formal agreement with me to participate in therapeutic services.  The information presented in this video is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice.   

Relationships are complicated, and this advice might not be a good fit for your needs or your relationship. Before making any decisions for yourself or your relationship, it’s always best to have a candid conversation with your therapist or other appropriate professional about your specific circumstances. 

Transcript: 

In today’s video, I’m going to teach you how to practice belly breathing and how to use belly breathing to calm yourself when you’re in the middle of a conflict.

My name is Valery Krieg and I’m a licensed clinical social worker in the state of Colorado. And I help high conflict couples stop fighting and start communicating.

So in today’s video, we’re going to talk about belly breathing. You might have heard about it before. It’s also called diaphragmic breathing, and it’s called diaphragmic breathing because when we’re belly breathing, we’re going to focus on this area right here, our diaphragm. And we’re going to focus on how it helps our lungs fill and deflate, right? So we’re really going to focus on this area of our body.

I like to call it belly breathing because that’s what I notice when I’m doing that deep diaphragmatic breathing. I noticed my belly going out and going back in. 

This type of deep breathing is really different than shallow breathing. 
Shallow breathing is the type of breathing that we do up here. It’s actually what most of us do most of our day. And most of us really start to breathe shallowly and start to give in to shallow breathing when we’re feeling anxious or stressed or upset.

If you want to notice what shallow breathing is, put your hand right here on the top of your chest, underneath your throat, and just start breathing in and out really quickly. Did you notice my chest rising and falling? This is the type of breathing that we do in the top of our bodies. And it’s a very natural stress response that our bodies have when we’re feeling under stress or under threat, kind of like you do when you’re arguing with your partner. Your body wants to flood your limbs with oxygen, wants to get the blood pumping, and it wants to get you ready for fight or flight. This is a wonderful, natural response. And if you’re being chased by a bear, great.  Practice, shallow breathing.

But most of the time when we’re arguing with our partners, we don’t actually want to fight or flee. We want to respond, right? We want to have the conversation and we want to be in it with the person that we love. So instead of shallow breathing, when you’re feeling upset, I want you to practice belly breathing when you’re feeling upset.

In order to practice belly breathing, I’m going to have you put your hand right here on the top of your tummy, right underneath your rib cage and take a deep breath, filling your lungs all the way. Notice your hand kind of coming out when you fill your lungs and then do a deep exhale and notice your hand come back in, right? Can you see the difference between shallow and deep, right?

That deep breathing is belly breathing.

So just do it with me one more time. The great thing about belly breathing is that after taking a few belly breaths, you’re going to feel yourself calmed down. You’re also going to feel your breathing slow down.

So the trick to belly breathing that most people actually don’t know is that it’s all about the exhale. The exhale is just as important, if not more than the inhale. You want to focus on a slow, full, deep exhale. Let all of that carbon dioxide out of your body. And send your body a signal saying it’s okay. We can relax.

So something that I find really helpful when doing belly breathing is to visualize my lungs as a balloon. I’m going to take that deep breath and filling the balloon. Then when I exhale, I’m really going to focus on the balloon. I’m going to focus on letting all the air out until it’s completely empty.  And sometimes I even encourage folks to make a noise, like a balloon.

So deep breath in and out, right? And as you notice on that deep breath out, my whole body kind of collapses and relaxes. When I empty my lungs, my shoulders naturally go down. My body naturally kind of folds in, and I start to relax. Belly breathing is a great tool to use. If you’re in the middle of an argument and you notice yourself start to escalate. So let’s say you notice yourself starting to get upset or scared or anxious or angry belly breathing is a great way to turn back and get from reactive to responsive. So I want you to have this tool in your toolkit.

So one more time, do it with me, deep breath in and let it out.

That’s belly breathing. It’s pretty simple. And it’s something that anybody can use any time that you need to.

I hope you found this video helpful. I hope you’re able to incorporate belly breathing into your conflict style, especially with the person you love. And if you found this video helpful, subscribe to our channel. Share our video.

But most importantly, I want you to leave a comment below.  If you’ve ever used belly breathing,k how has it worked? How does it feel? And if you haven’t used it, what’s getting in the way?

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Interested in online couples counseling in Colorado?

If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.