What Is A Love Language And Why Does It Matter?

How often do you tell your partner that you love them?  Once a day? Twice a day? Are words the only thing that you use to communicate love? How do you show them that you really care?

While taking time to say, “I love you,” is important, words aren’t the only (or even the best) way to express love and care in a relationship. In fact, most of us communicate love and affection all day in many different ways.  For example, my husband says “I love you” by taking out the trash without being asked, and I say “I love you” back by cheering on this favorite football team every Sunday.  These are examples of how we use our love languages to communicate and connect. 

“Love Languages,” a concept first described by Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages, The Secrets To Lasting Love, is a way to think about the different ways (or different “languages”)  that individuals use to express love.  According to Chapman, there are five primary love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Giving and Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.  Each of these love languages is a way to communicate love and affection, but most of us generally have one or two primary ways of communicating love in our relationships. 

Easy, right?  Wrong!  Unfortunately, most of us don’t share the same primary love language with our partners, and that can cause frustration, distress, and even resentment in our relationships.  All too often partners feel rejected or unloved because they aren’t communicating in the same love language.  For example, if my primary love language is physical affection, I might feel very rejected if my partner declines my offer to snuggle on the couch.  And, if my partner’s primary love language is giving and receiving gifts, they might completely miss my loving gesture when I offer to give them a back rub instead of a dozen roses to Valentine’s Day.  In this scenario, I feel rejected and my partner feels unloved. 

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.  If my partner understands that my primary love language is physical affection, they might spend extra time snuggling with me on the couch, because they know that’s what I need to feel loved.  And, if I know that their primary love language is giving and receiving gifts, I might skip the back rub and buy them flowers to celebrate instead. 

Understanding your partner’s and your own love language is a great way to improve your communication in your relationship. Knowing your partner’s love language helps you become more aware of how they’re showing you love on a daily basis, and it also helps you show your love in a way that they can “hear.” 

To discover your love language, start by making a list of all of the things you do and say to show your partner that you love them.  This might include things like bringing them coffee in the morning, washing their car, writing them love notes, or going on an evening walk together.  

Once you’re done, read your list and circle the activities that feel the most natural to you.  Do you notice any trends?  The things that you do the most and that feel the most natural to you are indicative of your primary love language.  If you end up circling things like, “bring them flowers” and “buy their favorite brand of tea,” you might be a gifts person.  On the other hand, if you circled things like “clean the snow off of their car” and “bring them their slippers after dinner,” you might be an acts of service person.  

When making your list, try to be really honest with yourself.  You might be surprised to discover what your primary love language really is. 

Once you know your primary love language, share that with your partner and help them discover their love language.  Do you know what your partner’s love language is? The best way to find out is to ask.  Take some time to talk to your partner about their love language (consider helping them write their own “love list”) and make sure you really understand what they want and need.

Once you have a better understanding of the love languages in your relationship, don’t stop there.  Find ways to incorporate your partner’s love language into your daily routine. It might not feel natural at first – speaking a second language never does! – but you can learn. 

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