How Your Smart Watch Can Improve Your Relationship

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Disclaimer: The information contained in this blog/video should NOT be used as a substitute for the advice of an appropriately qualified and licensed therapist.  

I am a licensed therapist, but I am not necessarily YOUR therapist unless you’ve signed a formal agreement with me to participate in therapeutic services.  The information presented in this video is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice.   

Relationships are complicated, and this advice might not be a good fit for your needs or your relationship. Before making any decisions for yourself or your relationship, it’s always best to have a candid conversation with your therapist or other appropriate professional about your specific circumstances. 

Transcript: 

Did you know that your smartwatch is one of the best communication tools you can use in your relationship?  In today’s video, I’m going to talk you through how to use your smartwatch to improve your communication and to learn how to stop fighting.

My name is Valery, and I’m a licensed clinical social worker in the state of Colorado.  I help high conflict couples stop fighting and start communicating.

Today I’m going to talk to you about how you can use your smartwatch to have better communication, and basically how to learn how to fight fair.

But first, before we talk about that, I want to talk a little bit about conflict and emotion. If you’ve ever had a conflict with your partner, you’ve probably felt some pretty, pretty distressing emotions. Maybe some anger, maybe some fear.  Maybe you felt a little threatened. When we have conflict with other people, especially other people that are important to us, it’s really natural to have some pretty big emotions that accompany that conflict.

And one thing we know about emotions is that emotions (especially emotions like fear, feeling threatened, or anger)  are signals to the body to get ready and to get ready for fight or flight.

So you might’ve heard of fighter play before, right? That’s the mode our body gets in when we feel under threat. And in so many ways, this is actually a healthy and good response to threat in our environment. But when you’re with your partner, your body might feel really threatened in a physical way. That’s not actually true, but because our bodies don’t know how to tell the difference between a dinosaur chasing us and between our partners being angry at us, our bodies send the same stress chemicals to help get us ready for that fight or flight. So if you’re in a conflict with your partner, and your emotions are starting to get pretty big, and you’re starting to feel threatened or scared or concerned, there’s a pretty good chance that your body is going to send a bunch of stress chemicals rushing through to get you ready for fight or flight.

And when that happens, different things are going to happen in your body. For example, your breathing might start to speed up, and your heart rate’s going to start to go up, and you might start feeling shaky or even dizzy. You’re going to have all of these things happen in your body. And if these things are happening in your body, that’s a pretty good sign that you’re flooded.

Flooded is essentially a term that we use to describe the state where you’re not thinking straight.  A lot of people respond to flooding in different ways, and a lot of people respond to flooding by checking out, maybe turning away, maybe being dismissive. Some people respond to all of those stress chemicals by getting really angry and getting loud and yelling.  If this is happening in your body, there’s probably a pretty good chance that you are going to respond to your partner in a way that you don’t want to.

When your body’s getting ready for fight or flight, when your body is at that point, the best thing you can do in a conversation is take a break . When your body is flushed with stress chemicals, you’re not going to be thinking straight. It’s just a physiological fact. So when you’re there, when you’re overwhelmed with feelings, you need to take a break.

But I have a lot of couples who tell me that they don’t actually know when to take a break or how to take a break in a conversation. And I have a lot of couples explain to me that even though it sounds really good to take a break, that often they find that they get to the point of no return in their arguments. And it feels like taking a break is not an option. And this is where your smartwatch comes in.

Most smartwatches these days have a heart rate monitor on them. And the heart rate monitor is a great way to tell if your body is starting to get flooded. If your heart rate monitor is telling you that your heart rate is a hundred beats per minute or more, you need to take a break at that point. You’re not in your wise mind. You’re definitely in your emotional mind, you’re in your fight or flight mind. And at that point, you’re not going to have a productive conversation.

So if you can set a monitor, set an alarm, on your smartwatch to let you know, to give you that little buzz on your wrist, when your heart rate is above a hundred beats per minute, that is the perfect sign. That’s the red light that says, stop, take a break, go and take a deep breath, take a walk, do something to distract yourself, but step out of the fight, because anything that you say or do after that point, it’s not going to be good communication.

Now, if you’re an athlete, your heart rate might not have to get to a hundred beats per minute to show that you’re flooded. So a hundred beats per minute is only a good rule of thumb. But if you’re an athlete, if you’re in super good shape, your number might be closer to 90. So think about using your smartwatch to monitor and to tell you when you need a break during a fight.

Another way to use your smartwatch is to just keep track of your heart rate. So if you’re having a difficult conversation with your partner, you can glance down at your heart rate to see if it’s creeping up. And if your heart rate is creeping up, it’s getting higher and higher.  Maybe it’s getting to 85, getting to 90. That’s another good sign to pull back, take a deep breath, and do something to help clear your mind and ground yourself.

Your heart rate monitory is a great way to check when you need to actually take a deep breath. And this is something really cool that you can do with your partner. If they’ve got a smartwatch and you’ve got a smartwatch, you guys can can monitor together. And it’s also a really good signal to your partner about what’s happening in your body. Because they might not be able to tell in your face that you’re flooded, that it’s too much, but your heart rate monitor is going to let both of you guys know.

So again, heart rate monitor, is one of the best tools you have in your arsenal for good, strong communication with your partner.

I hope you guys found this video helpful. If you did, please like our video, share our video, subscribe to our channel. And, if you’ve got a smartwatch with a heart rate monitor, try this little trick next time you’re having a conversation with your partner and then drop a comment below and tell us what happened. Thanks for watching with us today.

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If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.