5 Tips For Better Listening
Has your partner ever complained that you’re a bad listener? If this is a problem in your relationship, you’re not alone. Most of the couples I see struggle with communication problems, and many couples come to my office feeling frustrated and angry because they feel like their partner never listens to them.
The good news is that listening is a skill, not a talent, and anyone can learn how to be a better listener.
When we talk about listening in a relationship, we’re really talking about intimacy. The goal of listening in a relationship is to develop a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner, or a deeper intimacy with the person you love. Listening in a relationship is all about connecting, and that means getting vulnerable.
One of the problems with listening in a relationship is that there are actually a bunch of different ways to listen, and only a few of them “work” when your goal is to foster intimacy. If your partner complains that you’re a bad listener, it’s probably because you’re not doing the type of listening that they expect or need when they try to connect. To nurture a strong relationship with your partner, you need to learn how to do the right type of listening at the right time.
Most of us are pretty good at certain types of listening, like listening to gather information, listening to be polite, or listening to make a point. However, many of us struggle with listening to hear, and listening to hear is one of the most valuable listening skills to use in a loving relationship.
When talking to someone you love, it’s important to practice listening to hear. Listening to hear is the best type of listening to use when talking about a stressful situation or a difficult topic. The goal of listening to hear is to connect with your partner and create a deeper understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It’s only when we truly understand our partner’s perspective that they feel heard.
Listening to hear is different than other types of listening. Listening to hear asks the listener to slow down, step back, and create space for the speaker to work through their thoughts and feelings. When we listen to hear, we let go of our judgements and our defenses, nurturing deeper intimacy with our partner.
Like any other skill, the best way to master listening to hear is with practice. If listening to hear is a tool that you’d like to add to your toolbox, take some time every day to practice the following tips.
Tip 1: Start with a deep breath. Clear your mind, check your assumptions, let go of your judgements, and focus on your partner. If there are any thoughts and feelings that are running through your mind, make note of them and ask yourself if these thoughts and feelings are shaping how you hear your partner in this moment.
PS: If you can’t seem to get past these thoughts and feelings, consider asking your partner if you can have this conversation at a different time when you’re in a better position to hear.
Tip 2: Get active. Listening to hear is not a passive activity. Take time to repeat back to your partner what you heard them say to make sure you’re on the same page. If you have a pen and paper handy, jot down some notes. The point of taking notes is to minimize mental distractions. It’s hard to think of the next thing you want to say when you’re busy writing the conversation down.
Tip 3: Ask questions. When listening to hear, it’s important to ask your partner clarifying questions about their thoughts and feelings. Try to use open-ended questions to enhance your understanding and create opportunities for deeper connection. Some good questions to ask might be, “How does this make you feel?” or “What thoughts are coming up for you right now?” or even simply, “Can you tell me more about that?” Asking questions not only lets the speaker know that you’re listening, it also deepens your understanding of their concerns.
Tip 4: Pay attention to feelings. Listening to hear is not just about gathering information and getting your facts right. It’s about understanding what’s really going on, and that means understanding the emotions behind the words that your partner is saying. If you aren’t quite sure what your partner is feeling at the moment, ask. You might say something like, “I can tell this conversation is really important to you, what are the emotions that you’re feeling as we talk about this?’” Understanding not only the facts but the feelings your partner is experiencing means that you’re more likely to really hear what they’re really saying.
Tip 5: Check your understanding. Once you feel like you really understand what your partner is saying, confirm your understanding with your partner. Reflect back to them what you’ve talked about, and ask them if they think you really get it. If they say yes, great. If they say no, ask them what else they need you to understand about the situation. Keep reflecting what you’ve heard and confirming your understanding until your partner says, “yes. You really get it.”
If you and your partner struggle with communication, working with a skilled couples therapist can help. Reach out today if you’d like to get started.
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If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.
