How To Be A Better Listener

Check out our most recent video on YouTube, “How To Practice Square Breathing.”

Disclaimer: The information contained in this blog/video should NOT be used as a substitute for the advice of an appropriately qualified and licensed therapist.  

I am a licensed therapist, but I am not necessarily YOUR therapist unless you’ve signed a formal agreement with me to participate in therapeutic services.  The information presented in this video is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice.   

Relationships are complicated, and this advice might not be a good fit for your needs or your relationship. Before making any decisions for yourself or your relationship, it’s always best to have a candid conversation with your therapist or other appropriate professional about your specific circumstances. 

Transcript: 

Have you ever been accused of being a bad listener? If so, you’re in the right place. In today’s video, I’m going to walk through five simple tips to help you be a better listener in your relationship. My name is Valery Krieg and I’m a licensed clinical social worker in the state of Colorado. And I help high conflict couples find their calm.

Most people don’t realize that listening, really listening, is one of the most important skills you can have in a relationship. And that’s because listening, good listening, is all about connecting. It’s creating a deeper understanding of your partner, and it’s also letting them know that you understand.  Listening is the key to emotional intimacy. And in a lot of ways, that’s what a strong relationship is really about.

I think the problem is most of us have never learned or been taught how to listen. Now, maybe you’ve taken a class on active listening, or you’ve read something about reflective listening on a blog or in a book, but oftentimes that’s not enough. That’s a good start. It’s a great way to gather information, but it’s not enough to communicate that you understand your partner, that you’re really there and that you really get it.

So today I’m going to walk you through five tips to take your listening to the next level. So the first tip I want to share with you is to take a deep breath.

The next time you’re in a conversation with your partner where you really need to listen. I want you to slow down, take a deep breath, and clear your mind. It’s pretty normal to go into a conversation about an emotional topic or a stressful topic to feeling a little on edge. And if you’re on edge, you’re probably going to be in your head. And quite honestly, if you’re in your head, you can’t really listen.

So my first tip to being a good listener is to take a deep breath, clear your mind and notice any thoughts, feelings, attitudes, maybe defenses that are running through your head. Notice those and put them aside so that you can really tune into what your partner is saying. So that’s tip number one, take that deep breath.

Tip number two, when you’re listening to your partner, get active. Listening is not a passive activity. It’s something that you need to be really, really engaged in. So a great way to get active in a conversation is to reflect back to your partner what they’re saying and that’s that reflective listening piece.  

So maybe your partner says something like, “I’ve had a really bad day. My boss has really mean to me. I was running late. I’m so frustrated.” You could say something back to them like, “Man, I can tell you’ve had a really bad day. It sounds like you had a hard day at, I know you’re running late, and I can tell you’re really frustrated about things.”

Reflect back to them what they’re saying, right. That helps you stay on track and stay focused. But it also helps them know that you’re tuned in.

So a pro tip, if you can grab a pen and a piece of paper and actually take notes when your partner’s talking, and I know this might seem a little silly, but taking notes is a great way to stay focused and a great way to really stay active in that conversation. If you’re taking notes about what your partner is saying, it’s going to be really, really hard for you to think of what you want to say next, right?  It’s going to keep you really tuned into them. So that’s that tip number two, get active.

Tip number three, ask questions. Listening is not about being silent. It’s not about being silent on the other end. You know, it’s about understanding what’s going on and sometimes to understand what’s going on, we have to ask questions.

Now, when you’re asking questions, I want to encourage you to be as open-ended and nonjudgmental as possible. I mean, sometimes it’s easy to ask a question that comes off as judgemental. Like, well, if you’re running late, why didn’t you leave the house earlier? Please avoid that. When you’re asking questions, the safest way to ask a good question. When you’re listening is to ask an open-ended one and an open-ended question is something as simple as, can you tell me more? How did that make you feel? You know, what else is going on?

It’s that open-ended question so that you get more information and you get enough information so that you really get it so that you understand, right? So that’s that third tip, ask questions.

Tip number four, pay attention to emotion. Because more often than not the most important part of a conversation, isn’t what’s being said, it’s what’s being communicated. And as human beings, we communicate by body language, tone of voice, word choice, all of those things, communicate emotion and meaning. So pay attention to the emotions and what’s actually happening.

So your partner might say something like, “Man, I’m so angry at my boss and I’m so frustrated,” but you can tell, for example, that maybe they’re a little embarrassed, right? They’re saying that they’re angry at their boss for calling them out in a meeting, but they’re really embarrassed that that happened. So pay attention to emotions and see if you can make sense of what’s really going on for your partner when they’re talking to you.

And as you’re paying attention to their emotions, pay attention to your own emotions as well. Just kind of notice if something is coming up for you, because it’s not unusual for our own emotions to get in the way, or for our own emotions to trigger defensiveness or maybe some withdrawl or even some judgment. So if you have emotions coming up, notice them, check them, putting to the side, but pay attention to what’s actually happening. So that’s tip number four.

And tip number five, last but not least, when you’re listening to someone it’s important to check for understanding. Always make sure that you check with your partner to make sure that you get it, that you really understand what they’re talking about. And what’s important to them in that moment. Oftentimes we believe that we know our partners so well that we get them, and we don’t ask.

We don’t take that time to reflect back to them and check to make sure that we understand the most important thing that they’re saying. So a great way to check for understanding is to summarize, kind of say something like, “Hey, I hear that you’re really frustrated, and you had a really bad day with your boss, but I also get a sense that you’re feeling kind of embarrassed, and you just want me to listen, and you just want to hug. Am I getting it right?”

That’s a great way to check for understanding. Now, sometimes your partners are going to say, “yes, yes, you got it. You get me.”  And that’s great. Oftentimes they’re going to say, “no,” and that’s okay. That’s the purpose of the question is to check, to make sure that you understand, and if your partner says, no, you don’t get it, ask them, “well, what else do you want me to know? What else do you want me to understand? Help me understand more, because I really want to make sure that I get what’s happening here for you.”

So if they say, “no,” that you don’t understand, that you don’t get it, that’s okay. Ask them more and then walk through the rest of those steps.

So I hope those tips help you be a better listener for your partner and help you ultimately feel more connected, more connected and more intimate in your relationship. So if you found this video helpful, please subscribe to our channel, and like our video. And I’d also like you to drop a comment in the comments below. Let me know what your tips are. What are your pro tips for being a better listener in a relationship?

I can’t wait to hear from you.

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If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.