How Listening Can Strengthen Your Relationship
Most people don’t realize that something as simple as listening can make or break a relationship. However, listening is one of the most valuable relationship skills you can develop. Unfortunately, most of us are never really taught how to listen, and unless you’ve spent some time around “good listeners,” you might be a little unsure about what “good listening” even means.
The good news is that listening is a skill, not a talent, and anyone can learn how to be a better listener.
If you’ve ever taken a communications course, you might already have some ideas about how to be a better listener. Maybe you’ve been taught “active listening” or practiced “reflective listening” at school or work. That’s a great start. But, it’s important to remember that listening in a relationship (listening to someone you love) is a little different than listening as a manager, leader, or even a friend. Listening in a relationship asks you, the listener, to be emotionally intimate with your partner.
Listening in a relationship is not just about hearing what your partner has to say. It’s about intimacy.
Why Listening is Important
When we talk about listening in a relationship, we’re really talking about intimacy. Intimacy is a deep state of connection, and most of us crave the type of intimacy, both emotional and physical, that comes with being in a safe, committed relationship with a loving partner. When we listen to our partners (and show them that we’re listening) we’re fostering a deeper connection and a greater understanding of both our partners and ourselves. Without this understanding, we can never truly achieve that deep sense of intimacy that nurtures a strong relationship.
When your partner says, “you never listen,” what they really mean is “You don’t understand.”
Why Listening is Hard
Even though most of us feel pretty committed to understanding our partners, engaging in that deep, intimate, listening is hard. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and getting “naked” (literally or figuratively) in front of someone is scary. However, you can’t be in a relationship without being vulnerable, and a good relationship is worth it.
What Does Listening Have To Do With Vulnerability?
Right now, you’re probably asking how listening makes you vulnerable. After all, you listen all the time to your coworkers, your boss, and the guy at the grocery store. That’s not scary, and you’re probably really good at it.
But, again, listening in a relationship is different. Listening in a relationship means letting go of your judgments, tuning in to your emotions, and (on hard days) listening to something you might not want to hear. It means being “with” the person you love, even if their thoughts and feelings push your buttons, make you upset, or trigger an impulse to pull away. Being a good listener means holding your tongue and hanging in the conversation, even though you might feel defensive or hurt.
And, that’s hard.
Listening Pays Off
Even though listening is hard, in the end, it pays off. Good listening will deepen the emotional intimacy you have with your partner, and (ultimately) strengthen your relationship.
If you and your partner are struggling with listening, reach out. Couples counseling is a great place to learn and practice new communication skills.
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If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.
