How You Talk To Your Partner Matters: The Four Horsemen

Most of the couples I see for couples therapy tell me that the biggest challenge in their relationship is communication, and when I ask couples what they’d like to get out of couples counseling, they almost always tell me that they’d like to improve their communication skills.  

These couples understand that how you talk to your partner matters. 

Often, the first communication skill I share with couples is how to avoid the “Four Horsemen.”    The Four Horsemen is a term coined by John Gottman, a well-known expert in the field of marriage and relationships, to describe the most common (and most harmful) negative patterns of communication in unhappy relationships. 

The Four Horsemen include Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

Criticism is generally the first, and most common, “Horseman” in relationships. Criticism happens when one partner feels frustrated, angry, or upset and makes a negative statement about their partner’s character or personality. Criticism often begins as a complaint about something specific, like taking out the trash, and turns into criticism when it gets personal.

When couples engage in criticism, they generally engage in defensiveness as well. Defensiveness is considered the second horseman, and almost always happens when one partner feels attacked or criticized by the other.  In relationships, defensiveness often looks like one partner refusing to accept responsibility for their actions, downplaying their role in the conflict, or even blaming their partner for the cause of the initial complaint.  

Over time criticism and defensiveness lead to contempt.  Contempt, the third horsemen, can be described as an overall disregard or scorn for your partner, and contempt is often expressed through hostility, cynicism, and mockery.  In an argument, contempt might look like eye-rolling, sarcasm, imitation (like imitating your partner’s voice), or hostile jokes. In my experience, contempt can quickly drive a wedge between couples and destroy their trust in each other and their relationship. 

When criticism, defensiveness, and contempt are present in a relationship, stonewalling is often the natural consequence.  The fourth horseman, and perhaps the most damaging negative communication pattern, is stonewalling.  Stonewalling happens when one partner begins shutting down or withdrawing emotionally during conflict.  Instead of working through difficult issues, individuals who engage in stonewalling refuse to communicate with their partner in any meaningful way, often triggering more anger, resentment, and frustration from the person they love.

⁣If you notice the presence of these horsemen in your marriage, your relationship might be in trouble.  Research shows that couples who frequently engage in the Four Horsemen are significantly more likely to divorce than couples who don’t.

The good news, however, is that you can overcome the four horsemen. Couples therapy can help.

If you and your partner are struggling with unhelpful communication patterns in your relationship and would like to learn new skills to communicate in your marriage, reach out. I’m happy to talk about how I might be able to help.

Interested in online couples counseling in Colorado?

If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.