How to Combat Criticism In Your Relationship
As a couples counselor, I often help the couples in my office learn new ways to communicate. One of the most common communication problems couples struggle with is criticism. Too often, couples find themselves stuck in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, and they struggle to break free.
Criticism is a negative or hostile statement about someone’s character or personality. In a relationship, criticism can quickly turn a simple disagreement into something personal, and the presence of criticism in a relationship can drive a couple apart.
Often, criticism begins as a simple complaint about something specific, but it can quickly turn into a personal attack. Criticism shifts the conversation away from what might be wrong at the moment to what’s wrong with the relationship and what’s wrong with the other person.
To combat criticism, I teach the couples in my office how to make a gentle complaint when they’re upset instead of engaging in criticism.
The first step in making a gentle complaint is to use a gentle start-up. A gentle start-up is a kind or positive statement, phrase, or action that warms your partner up for a conversation. A gentle start-up helps put your partner at ease and makes them feel more relaxed and comfortable. A gentle start-up could be a compliment, a few words of affection, or even a pat on the shoulder.
The next step in making a gentle complaint is to use “I statements.” An “I statement” is a communication skill that centers your feelings and sets the tone for a softer conversation. Instead of starting the conversation by explaining what your partner did wrong (e.g. “You forgot to take out the trash,”), an “I statement” introduces your feelings first and helps your partner understand where you’re coming from and why you’re feeling upset. An example of an “I statement” is “I felt disappointed when I noticed that the trash didn’t get taken out last night after we talked about it.”
The third step in making a gentle complaint is to keep your complaint specific. Instead of saying something global, like “you never remember to take out the trash,” or something personal, like “you’re so forgetful,” make sure your complaint is grounded in the moment. Focusing on what’s wrong right now will help you avoid an argument about whether or not your complaint is “true” or who’s right and who’s wrong in the situation.
The final step in making a gentle complaint is to give your partner feedback on how they can make amends. Most of us really want to make things right with the people we love, but sometimes we need a little direction about how to make it better. End your gentle complaint with an action statement.
The next time you’re upset with your partner, try making a gentle complaint about what’s bothering you. New communication skills take time to become habits, and if you’re struggling with communication in your relationship, you’re not alone. Reach out. I’d love to talk about how I might be able to help.
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If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.
