What Is Defensiveness? (And Why Does It Matter)

Defensiveness is a communications killer. If you want to stop fighting in your relationship, you have to stop being defensive.

Hi! I’m Valery, and I’m a couples therapist and marriage counselor in Colorado.  I help couples stop fighting and start communicating. 

If you’ve ever gotten into an argument with your partner, you’ve probably felt defensive before. Defensiveness is a normal feeling-state that happens any time someone feels accused, blamed, criticized, or attacked. It's natural to feel defensive when you're in conflict, especially when you're in a conflict with your partner.

There are two sides to defensiveness.  The side that the defended partner experiences (the inside) and the side the complaining partner experiences (the outside).  

On the inside, defensiveness is experienced as a state of anxiety and avoidance. While defensiveness might look and feel like anger and frustration, what’s actually happening is a form of anxiety.  The defended partner, or the person who's feeling defensive, is experiencing deeply uncomfortable feelings like guilt, shame, insecurity, and embarrassment. 

And, they’re getting “defensive” about those feelings. 

But, on the outside, defensiveness rarely comes off as anxiety or protection.  On the outside, defensiveness looks and feels like a counterattack on your partner. When your partner makes a complaint, states a concern, or expresses their feelings, and they receive defensiveness in return, they often feel like their partner is arguing with them.

Defensiveness almost always increases the tension in any conversation or conflict.  Because defensiveness feels like an argument or a counterattack, it has the unfortunate effect of creating a cycle of defensiveness. 

And this cycle kills communication.  

Are you struggling with defensiveness in your relationship? Stay tuned for our next blog post, “The Three Most Common Types of Defensiveness in Relationships.”

Interested in online couples counseling in Colorado?

If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out now. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation online or by emailing me at help@therapyevergreen.com. I'm here for you.