How to Spot Defensiveness In Your Relationship
Defensiveness kills communication.
But, it’s hard to stop being defensive if you don’t know how to spot it.
Hi! I’m Valery, and I’m a couples therapist and marriage counselor in Evergreen, Colorado. I help couples stop fighting and start communicating.
Defensiveness is a pretty common experience for couples who struggle with conflict and communication. The truth is defensiveness is a communications killer, and it often leads to a painful cycle of tension, frustration, and unresolved conflict.
At its core, defensiveness is simply a natural feeling-state that happens any time someone feels accused, blamed, or criticized. We all feel defensive at certain times, and the experience is designed to protect us from uncomfortable and unwanted feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment.
Unfortunately, defensiveness often has the opposite effect on our partners. Defensiveness has the tendency to activate those uncomfortable feelings in the people we love. That’s why defensiveness almost always leads to conflict.
(You can learn more about why defensiveness is a communications killer here.)
Defensiveness can show up in many ways in communication. There are three common types of defensiveness in relationships, and if you want to defeat defensiveness in your own marriage, you need to be on the lookout for these different types.
Defensive Denial
The most common and most recognizable form of defensiveness is defensive denial. Defensive denial happens when the person who is receiving a complaint (or the person who’s feeling defensive) denies, dismisses, or diminishes the truth of the complaining partner’s claim.
Here is an example of defensive denial:
Complaining Partner: “I’m disappointed that you didn’t take out the trash last night.”
Defensive Partner: “What are you talking about? I always take out the trash. I don’t see why last night is such a big deal. Besides, I never agreed that I would take out the trash.”
Defensive denial derails communication because it shifts the conversation away from the core complaint, and it turns the conversation into a discussion about who's right and who's wrong. When one partner falls into defensive denial, the other partner generally responds by attempting to prove the truth of their claim. Defensive denial almost always leads to an argument about the “truth” of the complaint, instead of the core issues at the heart of the conflict.
Defensive Counterattack
The second most common type of defensiveness is the defensive counterattack. Defensive counterattack is a much more aggressive form of defensiveness, and it happens when the person who is receiving a complaint (or the person who’s feeling defensive) responds to their partner with a counter-complaint or a criticism.
Here is an example of defensive counterattack:
Complaining Partner: “I’m disappointed that you didn’t take out the trash last night.”
Defensive Partner: “Why is it my job to take out the trash? You never take out the trash! You never do the dishes either. The kitchen is always a mess, and you never clean up after yourself.”
Like defensive denial, defensive counterattack derails communication by shifting the conversation away from the core complaint and turning the conversation into a discussion about who’s right and who’s wrong. Unfortunately, defensive counterattack also puts the complaining partner in a defensive position, sparking a cycle of defensiveness and adding an extra layer of tension (and hurt) to the conflict. And, like defensive denial, defensive counterattack almost always leads to an argument or to stonewalling.
Defensive Innocence
The hardest type of defensiveness to recognize is defensive innocence. Although it’s very common in relationships, defensive innocence is much harder to spot. This type of defensiveness happens when the person who is receiving a complaint (or the person who’s feeling defensive) responds to their partner with an exaggerated or sarcastic acceptance of responsibility.
Here is an example of defensive innocence:
Complaining Partner: “I’m disappointed that you didn’t take out the trash last night.”
Defensive Partner: “No matter what I do, I can’t make you happy. And, I can’t do anything right in this house. You think I’m just a lazy jerk. Why do you even bother to stay with me? ”
On the surface, it might seem like the person engaging in defensive innocence is apologizing or accepting responsibility for their role in the conflict, but what they’re actually doing is shifting the conversation away from the problem at hand and turning it into a conversation about their merits (or their value) as a person.
Defensive innocence is a very damaging form of defensiveness not only because it’s hard to spot (and therefore hard to defeat), but also because it ignores or invalidates the feelings of the complaining partner. In essence, defensive innocence centers the conversation around the defensive partner and away from the complaining partner. Worse, it also puts the complaining partner into the position of rescuing or reassuring the defensive partner and ignoring their own thoughts and feelings.
If you struggle with defensiveness in your relationship, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common communication problems for couples that I see in my office, and it’s often hard to recognize and hard to spot. The good news is help is available, and you don’t have to overcome defensiveness alone.
Stay tuned for our next blog post, “Defeating Defensiveness in Three Steps” for some easy tips and tricks for dealing with defensiveness in your relationship.
Interested in couples counseling in Colorado?
At Evergreen Counseling and Wellness, we offer couples therapy and marriage counseling online and in Evergreen, Colorado.
If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out. We’re here for you.
