3 Tips For Defeating Defensiveness

If you struggle with defensiveness in your relationship, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common communication challenges facing high-conflict couples.

Here are my top 3 tips for solving this problem.

Hi! I’m Valery, and I’m a couples therapist and marriage counselor in Evergreen, Colorado.  I help couples stop fighting and start communicating. 

Defensiveness is a pretty common challenge for couples who struggle with communication. Simply put, defensiveness is a natural feeling-state that happens any time someone feels accused, blamed, or criticized. The feeling of defensiveness often happens in conflict when one partner makes a complaint, expresses hurt or disappointment, or makes a criticism. 

While the feeling of defensive is natural (and sometimes even appropriate), this feeling state often leads to defensive behavior.  And, defensive behavior can be a big problem for couples who are trying to communicate.   

(Learn about why defensiveness is a communications killer here.)

The first step in defeating defensiveness is learning how to spot it.  When I work with couples struggling with conflict and communication problems, I teach them how to identify the different types of defensiveness and to understand how and why it might show up in their communication.

(Learn about the three most common types of defensiveness here.)

Once the couples I work with understand how to spot defensiveness, I help them practice different communication skills and strategies to overcome it.  

There are three key steps to defeating defensiveness: Find Your Calm, Accept Responsibility, and Listen and Reflect. 

Step Number One: Find Your Calm

The first step in defeating defensiveness is to find your calm.  While the feeling of defensiveness is natural and normal, it can lead to other challenging emotions, like anxiety, anger, or frustration. And, once these emotions are present, responding to your partner (versus reacting) can be pretty difficult. 

You can find your calm in many ways.  One of the easiest ways to find your calm is to engage in deep breathing.  You could also practice square breathing, relaxing your body, releasing tension in your muscles, or even going for a short walk. 

Step Number Two: Accept Responsibility

The second step in defeating defensiveness is to accept responsibility.  In a nutshell, accepting responsibility simply means acknowledging your role in the current conflict   You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says or thinks to accept responsibility.  You just have to be willing to validate their feelings, acknowledge their thoughts, opinions, and views, and apologize for any hurt that your actions may have caused.  

It’s important to accept responsibility even if the conflict was caused by a misunderstanding. Your partner is hurt.  And, they need to know that you care about their feelings.

Step Number Three:  Listen and Reflect

The third, and perhaps most important, step in defeating defensiveness is to listen and reflect.  If you want to solve the core issue at the heart of any conflict with your partner, you need to really understand the problem.  That means taking time to understand the thoughts and feelings driving the conflict.  Make sure that you understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Understanding and connection are the building blocks for problem-solving. 

Interested in couples counseling in Colorado?

At Evergreen Counseling and Wellness, we offer couples therapy and marriage counseling online and in Evergreen, Colorado.

If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out. We’re here for you.