Will Separation Save My Marriage?
If you’re worried about the future of your marriage, a short-term separation might be the right thing to get your relationship back on track.
For most couples, a trial separation is just a first step towards divorce. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. In this blog post, I’m going to describe the difference between a trial separation and therapeutic separation, and how a therapeutic separation might save your marriage.
Hi! I’m Valery, and I’m a couples therapist and marriage counselor in Evergreen, Colorado. I help couples stop fighting and start communicating.
Relationships are hard. In fact, some relationships are really hard. If you’re struggling in your marriage, you’re not alone. But, the truth is a bad marriage can’t (and shouldn’t) last forever. At some point, something needs to change.
If you’re reading this article, you’re probably really worried about your marriage. And, I know how hard that is. Things have to be pretty bad if you’re considering a trial separation from your spouse.
If you’re like a lot of couples that I work with, you can’t seem to stop fighting with your partner. No matter what you do or say, it always seems to end in an argument, and you’re constantly worried about the next fight. You’re walking on eggshells, and you’re tired. This can’t last forever.
But, you still love your partner. Or at least, sometimes you do. And some days are great. But even when things are good, you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next big argument. It feels like even the smallest disagreement can cause a blow-up.
At this point, you and your partner have probably tried a lot of different things to get your relationship back on track. But, you’re too angry and too hurt, and you can’t seem to stop fighting.
The truth is, if you can’t stop fighting with your partner, you can’t talk. And, if you can’t talk, you can’t deal with your problems. And worse, the constant fighting (especially if you fight dirty with your partner) can cause lasting damage to your relationship and make it even harder to stay motivated to stay in your marriage and make things better.
Now I want you to imagine something different. Imagine what it would feel like to take a break from the constant stress and conflict in your marriage. To find time and space to reflect on your relationship, to clear your head, and to find your calm. That sounds pretty nice, right?
If you had time and space to work on yourself and repair your relationship, how do you think you’d feel about your marriage? Would you feel more hopeful? More confident? Or even just more clear about the future and your next steps?
If you can’t stop fighting with your partner, a therapeutic separation might be just what you need to get your marriage back on track.
A therapeutic separation is a temporary separation from your partner that allows both you and your spouse to get some breathing room, to cool your emotions, and to reclaim your calm. By creating time and distance from the conflict in your relationship, a therapeutic separation can help you and your partner better understand what’s happening in your marriage, to take stock of your own wants, needs, and shortcomings, and to make some very important decisions about what you want to do moving forward.
A therapeutic separation is not the first step towards getting a divorce. It’s simply a pause. It won’t fix your marriage, but it can stop the fighting. And once the fighting stops, you and your partner can finally really listen to each other.
A therapeutic separation is very different from a trial separation. A trial separation is designed to give couples the experience of being divorced so they can decide if divorce is the best next step in their relationship. A therapeutic separation, on the other hand, is designed to help couples find their calm and to create better opportunities for both partners to work on themselves and the marriage.
Unfortunately, many couples who experiment with a trial separation often find themselves leaning towards divorce. That’s because a trial separation creates a false sense of relief and a short-term feeling of calm without ever addressing the real issues causing conflict in the marriage.
And, you have to address the real issue if you’re going to fix the problem.
A therapeutic separation can give you the time, the space, and the motivation to change the unhealthy patterns in your relationships. And that’s what a relationship really needs to heal.
One of the key differences between a therapeutic separation and a trial separation is structure. The goal of a therapeutic separation is to address the underlying problems in the marriage and to create the right conditions for the couple, both individually and as a pair, to thrive.
You can’t rebuild your relationship if you’re constantly tearing it down, and you can’t fix the problems in your marriage if you can’t stop fighting about them.
My top tip for couples who are considering a therapeutic separation is to focus on structure. Spend some time discussing your boundaries and your expectations before you and your partner separate. It’s important that you and your partner work through some difficult questions before separating, like “How often are we going to contact each other while we’re apart?” or “Is it okay to date other people while we’re separated?”
A therapeutic separation is only helpful when you take the time to set firm boundaries and to clarify your expectations.
If this feels impossible to do on your own with your partner, consider reaching out to a qualified couples therapist to help you navigate these difficult conversations. You don’t have to do this on your own.
Interested in couples counseling in Colorado?
At Evergreen Counseling and Wellness, we offer couples therapy and marriage counseling online and in Evergreen, Colorado.
If you and your partner struggle with conflict, couples counseling can help. If you’re ready to take the next step to heal your marriage and repair your relationship, reach out. We’re here for you.
