Why I Hate Date Night
Struggling with date night?
If you’re married or seriously coupled, you probably know about date night. It’s the most common piece of advice given to couples when they get married, have kids, or start couples counseling. But, I want to tell you the truth about date night.
Hi! I’m Valery, and I’m a couples therapist and marriage counselor in Evergreen, Colorado. I help couples stop fighting and start communicating.
Date night doesn’t work. In this blog, I want to explain why I hate date night, why it doesn’t work for most of the couples I see in my office as a couples counselor, and what I think couples should do instead.
Disclaimer: While I'm a licensed therapist, I'm not your therapist. This blog is for educational purposes only. If you're struggling in your marriage, please reach out to a highly qualified licensed therapist for individual guidance and support.
Why I Hate Date Night
As a couples therapist and relationship counselor, I hate date night. And most of the couples I see in my office do, too. Date night is expensive (hello, babysitter!), difficult to organize, and (if you’re struggling as a couple) often boring or uncomfortable. No one likes spending their time (or their money) on a bad date, and when you’re struggling to connect or even just get along, date night can turn into a nightmare.
If date night doesn’t work for you, you’re not alone. Many of the couples I work with struggle with date night. But, because everyone says that date night is the key to a happy marriage, so many of the couples I work with feel guilty if they don’t plan (or enjoy) date night with their spouse.
As a couples therapist, I don’t want you to feel guilty if you don’t do date night.
Why Date Night Doesn’t Work
The idea behind date night is sound. Friendship is the foundation of any strong, healthy relationship, and you can’t be friends if you don’t spend time together. That's why there are hundreds, if not thousands of articles, blogs, and books written about the power of date night. Date night seems like a simple solution to the problem of couples growing apart.
But the reality is that the problems in your marriage are anything but simple.
Most happy couples will tell you that date night is the key to their success, but I hear a very different story from the couples in my office. So many of the couples that I work with have tried date night, and it doesn’t work.
And guess what? They're right.
Date night can’t solve your problems, stop your fights, or help you communicate better. In fact, date night might actually make things worse! Instead of connecting every day, so many couples who “do date night” wait until date night to talk. And, while they’re waiting for the right time to reconnect, they’re growing apart.
Here’s the truth. For many couples, “date night” is just bad advice.
The Number One Thing Couples Should Do Instead of Date Night
Instead of planning the perfect date night, try building a habit of connection in your relationship. Focus on connecting with your spouse in small and meaningful ways every day, and take the first step towards prioritizing your relationship again.
My top tip for couples who struggle with date night is to make a commitment to the five-minute date. The goal of a five-minute date night is to share a moment of connection with your spouse. Check-in, hold hands and make your marriage a priority (even if it’s just for five minutes).
Bottom line, if date night doesn't work for you, ditch date night. Ditch the stress, ditch the pressure, and ditch the guilt.
Want some new ideas for your next five-minute date? Check out the the full video for five 5-minute date ideas.
Remember, date night can’t fix the problems in your marriage (even if it does help cover them up for a bit). If you’re struggling in your marriage, you’re not alone. And, you don’t have to fix things on your own. Consider reaching out to a couples therapist or marriage counselor for support.
