“My Partner Won’t Help Around The House”
How To Stop Fighting About Chores And Start Getting Things Done
It's time to stop fighting about housework. For Good.
Every couple faces the challenge of dividing up household chores. It’s a tricky balancing act - how can you get your spouse to help out more around the house without resorting to nagging or arguing?
It can be a challenge, but it’s not impossible! In this article, I'm going to share my top 5 tips for how to get your spouse to help around the house - WITHOUT FIGHTING.
“I Feel Like I Do All The Housework.”
Creating a fair and equal partnership is hard. Between work, family, and the daily grind, getting things done around the house can feel almost impossible - especially when it doesn't feel like your partner is doing his or her fair share of the housework.
You're frustrated! And, you just want a little help. But, you don't want to start a fight and you don't want to be a nag. So, what are you supposed to do?
As a couples therapist, I have helped countless couples navigate this tricky issue, and I want to share the secret to finally stop fighting about chores.
It's not chore lists . . . or fancy apps . . . or even grown-up sticker charts. It's communication.
Next time you find yourself frustrated with your spouse because they haven't done their fair share of the housework try these five secret communication tips.
5 Tips To Get Your Partner to Help Around The House
Tip 1: Talk to your partner about what you want (and why it's important).
I know. It sounds simple. (And it is!) But many couples don't actually take the time to talk about the chores - at least not when they're calm. It's important to set time aside to talk to your partner about what you want BEFORE it becomes a problem. Explain to your partner how you want to divide the housework and discuss your expectations for a fair division of labor. It's important to set clear expectations about the household chores - even if you've been married for years - and to approach the challenge of managing the daily grind as a team.
No one should feel overwhelmed or underappreciated, so take the time to sit down with your spouse and discuss what needs to be done around the house. From dishes and laundry to sweeping and dusting, make a list of tasks and divide them up in a way that feels fair to both of you. And remember, it doesn't have to be all work and no play - crank up some tunes, share a few laughs, and make the most of your cleaning session!
Tip #2: Discuss the minimum standards for each chore on your list.
Assigning household chores can be a tricky business, especially if you and your partner don't see eye-to-eye on HOW to get things done or what counts as "clean." By setting clear standards for each task in your chore list, both partners can pitch in and help create a harmonious home - without getting drawn into a tug-of-war over the housework.
Remember, the key is to be specific. For example, let's say Partner A is in charge of laundry duty. The minimum standard for laundry in your home might include sorting the clothes by color, using the correct detergent, and always checking the pockets before washing. Meanwhile, Partner B is responsible for cooking meals. Their minimum standard for meal prep might include following the recipe (unless they're a master chef, of course), cleaning as you go, and checking expiration dates on groceries. By setting clear expectations, you'll avoid the constant feeling that you have to check up on your partner or fix their work.
Tip #3: Set REALISTIC expectations and timelines for getting things done.
Let's be real. Your to-do list is already a mile long, and it makes sense that getting things done is challenging. Most of us tend to be too optimistic about how much we can get done in a given amount of time. So, it's important to set realistic expectations about how long it will take us to complete each task on your chore list.
Sure, it may not be the sexiest topic, but trust me—it's worth the effort. The key is to consider all the steps involved in finishing the task, and then guesstimate how much time each step will take. No matter how much we want to believe that we can accomplish 10 hours of work in just 2, it's simply not possible. So be kind to yourself (and your partner), set achievable goals, and hopefully, you'll have enough time left to watch a cat video or two while cuddling on the couch.
Tip #4: Stop keeping score and let some things go.
If you want a happy relationship, it's important to pick and choose your battles. And, when it comes to housework and chores, sometimes you just have to let some things go. The truth is life is too short to constantly tally up every little mistake your partner makes or worry about how more (or how much better) you're doing around the house.
Trust me. I used to be the queen of keeping score.
But then I realized, what's the point? Holding onto these things only adds unnecessary stress to our lives. So, take a deep breath and put down the scorecard. Because at the end of the day, what matters most is the relationship you have with your spouse - not how clean your house is.
Tip #5: Schedule regular check-ins with your spouse.
Life can get crazy, huh? We all have a million things going on - work, family, pets, hobbies...it's enough to make your head spin sometimes! That's why it's so important to stay connected and accountable to those you love and trust. One way to do this is by creating a regular check-in schedule.
Scheduling a weekly "business meeting" to discuss the little things that need to get done around the house is a great way to stay connected and prevent minor frustrations from blowing up into major arguments. It's also a great way to make sure that you and your partner are problem-solving about the housework and not just fighting about it.
If chores have become a major problem in your relationship, couples therapy can help.
Relationships are hard, especially when you're constantly fighting with your partner. If endless arguments about chores have started to ruin your relationship, reach out. I can help you figure out the root cause of the problem you're facing and how to communicate with your partner.
